The great sandwhich debacle

Ever see someone do that thing where they have milk or some other liquid come out of their nose? I have. Hell I've even had it happen to me. (Hot coffee if your curious shit hurt like all hell)

I wasn't aware that anything other than liquid could do this. What follows is the story of the day I learned otherwise.

A little backstory. I was spending the night with a distant friend. You know that person that laughs at your jokes sometimes, and is always claiming that "We should totally hang out!!" And you always laugh them off. Until one time you fuck up and say sure, and it ends up being about as awkward as an elephant with heelies.

The night was awkward. My jokes weren't funny. The friend wasn't laughing. More than once I wanted to text my mom to jesus christ get me the hell out of here.

Hindsight I should have.

Dinner that nght was tuna fish sandwhiches. (If you see where this is going good for you.) In the stiffling quiet and oppressive awkward atmosphere I ate my sandwhich.

On the third or fourth bite, my allergies decided, yes, now is the time. Mouth full of sandwhich I felt a sneeze coming which left me with three options. 1: swallow quickly and hope that the sneeze would wait until the food made it to my stomach and pray it didn't make me vomit. 2: Cover my mouth and sneeze and risk a handful of chewed tuna. 3: Fight that goddamn sneeze with all my might.

I chose door three. Which resulted in one of those little cat sneezes that doesn't make any noise, but hits your body like a goddamn wrecking ball.

The force of the sneeze launched the mouthful of sandwhich directly up and into my sinus cavity.

I had to think about it for a second. Where was the sandwhich bite I was just chewing on?

Oh god.

No.

IS IT IN MY FUCKING NOSE???

Yes. Yes it goddamn was.

Now if I was with a better friend, I'd have said something like "Shit dude there's sandwhich in my nose." And laughed for half an hour.

But I wasn't.

I was knee deep in a horrifying awkward night that was just exponentially fucked harder, because theres goddamn fish in my nose I CAN SMELL THE PICKLES.

So I said, "I haff to go to the baffwoom." (Nasally as fuck, because sandwhich)

I scurried off to the bathroom then stared at myself in the mirror.

What the fuck even is my life.

What kind of fucking nerd gets sandwhich in their sinus.

How do I get it out??

I didn't think I would be able to blow my nose and dislodge it. Also the idea of chewed sandwhich coming down both of my nostrils like some sort of horrifying playdough toy was more than I could take.

So I resorted to acting like a cat with a hair ball.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to hack sandwhich out of your fucking nose, quietly?

Because I didn't want the friend to know what was happening.

Standing in the bathroom, hunched over the sink, quietly hacking and coughing, tears streaming down my face, fucking rivers of snot.

It was just as attractive as you are picturing it I promise.

The end result was I finally got the sandwhich out of my nose, I never stayed with that friend again, and I can never trust tuna fish again.

Don't be afraid of that job

Hey everyone. There's something that has been rolling around in my brain a lot lately. For some reason, people are scared of jobs. Scared to take a job, and scared to quit one. Jobs are not forever. Take the job in the career field you never though you'd like. Quit the job you hate.

Don't be scared to get out into the world and try different things. Work in that resturaunt. Be a caregiver. Do the job that scares the hell out of you.

A job does not define you, it's how you do the job you have. If you work at McDonald's, make that egg mcmuffin fucking life changing. If you work at a bar, pour that beer like world peace hangs in the balance. If you work as a caregiver, go to your job every day with the intent to make an impact.

Because in every job you have the chance to change. Change the people around you, and let them change you. Try the peanut butter and pickle sandwhich your coworker always offers you half of. Sit down with a customer/client and ask them about their day.

Never forget that every person you meet has a backstory just like you do. They have family and friends. They've won and they've lost and along the way they have learned.

So take the damn job. Learn about yourself. If you don't know what you want to do with the rest of your life, find out what you don't want to do forever. 

Quit the job that drags you down, never lose sight of who you are over a job. Be happy at your job. Because chances are you will spend more time there, than you will at home. (awake that is.)

Learn what toxic personalities look like. They will be everywhere. Your manager, your coworker, your client. Learn how to deal with them, but also learn when to stop dealing with them.

For every bad manager, and owner, theres four good ones around the block.

There is no shame in quitting a job that is sucking the life out of you.

Never let anyone guilt you into being unhappy.

No matter how much the job pays, it isn't worth your happiness.

Now that doesn't mean quit your job today, and go on a vision quest to find yourself.

Rule number one: Never quit a job until you have another one garunteed.

Rule number two: Dress for the job you've applied for, not the job you had.

Rule number three: Believe you are the best goddamn thing that has ever walked through that companies door.

Take a chance and take the job.