The great sandwhich debacle

Ever see someone do that thing where they have milk or some other liquid come out of their nose? I have. Hell I've even had it happen to me. (Hot coffee if your curious shit hurt like all hell)

I wasn't aware that anything other than liquid could do this. What follows is the story of the day I learned otherwise.

A little backstory. I was spending the night with a distant friend. You know that person that laughs at your jokes sometimes, and is always claiming that "We should totally hang out!!" And you always laugh them off. Until one time you fuck up and say sure, and it ends up being about as awkward as an elephant with heelies.

The night was awkward. My jokes weren't funny. The friend wasn't laughing. More than once I wanted to text my mom to jesus christ get me the hell out of here.

Hindsight I should have.

Dinner that nght was tuna fish sandwhiches. (If you see where this is going good for you.) In the stiffling quiet and oppressive awkward atmosphere I ate my sandwhich.

On the third or fourth bite, my allergies decided, yes, now is the time. Mouth full of sandwhich I felt a sneeze coming which left me with three options. 1: swallow quickly and hope that the sneeze would wait until the food made it to my stomach and pray it didn't make me vomit. 2: Cover my mouth and sneeze and risk a handful of chewed tuna. 3: Fight that goddamn sneeze with all my might.

I chose door three. Which resulted in one of those little cat sneezes that doesn't make any noise, but hits your body like a goddamn wrecking ball.

The force of the sneeze launched the mouthful of sandwhich directly up and into my sinus cavity.

I had to think about it for a second. Where was the sandwhich bite I was just chewing on?

Oh god.

No.

IS IT IN MY FUCKING NOSE???

Yes. Yes it goddamn was.

Now if I was with a better friend, I'd have said something like "Shit dude there's sandwhich in my nose." And laughed for half an hour.

But I wasn't.

I was knee deep in a horrifying awkward night that was just exponentially fucked harder, because theres goddamn fish in my nose I CAN SMELL THE PICKLES.

So I said, "I haff to go to the baffwoom." (Nasally as fuck, because sandwhich)

I scurried off to the bathroom then stared at myself in the mirror.

What the fuck even is my life.

What kind of fucking nerd gets sandwhich in their sinus.

How do I get it out??

I didn't think I would be able to blow my nose and dislodge it. Also the idea of chewed sandwhich coming down both of my nostrils like some sort of horrifying playdough toy was more than I could take.

So I resorted to acting like a cat with a hair ball.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to hack sandwhich out of your fucking nose, quietly?

Because I didn't want the friend to know what was happening.

Standing in the bathroom, hunched over the sink, quietly hacking and coughing, tears streaming down my face, fucking rivers of snot.

It was just as attractive as you are picturing it I promise.

The end result was I finally got the sandwhich out of my nose, I never stayed with that friend again, and I can never trust tuna fish again.